The Hand Inside the Dolphin is the Hand that Rules the World

From Esquire, April 2007

Like most media savvy weirdos, I was fascinated by last December’s story regarding Bao Xishun, a Mongolian herdsman who saved two dolphins in a Chinese aquarium by reaching down their throats to pull out pieces of plastic the mammals had accidentally swallowed. This was possible because Bao is the world’s tallest man: He is seven foot nine, and his arms are 41.7 inches long. Part of my interest was metaphorical: I initially thought this illustrated why China will rule the world in twenty-five years. The Chinese solution to this problem seemed amazingly advanced, solely due to its simplicity. In the past twenty-five years, Americans have become socialized to think “outside the box” about everything. But this was “inside the box” thinking. Instead of trying consciously to deduce a counterintuitive solution, the thinking in China went like this: “If my arms aren’t long enough, I don’t need a new method to save dolphins; I need longer arms. So let’s find a dude with longer arms.” I found myself thinking that such a situation could never happen in America.

But I was wrong. This did happen in America. In 1978, six-foot-nine NBA center Clifford Ray reached into a dolphin’s stomach at Marine World in California and retrieved a screw, saving the animal’s life. What we can learn from this: 1) China will never rule the world, 2) dolphins are stupider than we generally believe, and 3) metaphors are useless.
– C.K.